A question for the ladies....

[drlove]

Here is an interesting question:

I have been seeing escorts for some time while single, but eventually, I am sure that I will be back in a serious, long term relationship.

Assuming that occurs, at some point the issue of sexual history will come up between the two of us. Now, I took some flak from some of the guys on this board for suggesting that I would be completely honest about my past "extracurricular activities".
Most said that women outside of the industry would not understand the hobby and thus would have nothing to do with me if they found out.

So, I'm asking for your opinions, ladies: Assume for a moment that you are single, and have never worked in the business. You meet someone that you are very attracted to. Then, when the topic of past sexual history comes up, he is completely upfront with you and says that he saw escorts while single, but would not do so when involved in a monagamous relationship. What would your reaction be???

Thanks for your input. :)

[Jenn_angel]

once upon a time... (I love that line)

I did meet some one before I did this and he was honest. I respected that more. My question to you is ..... do you want to be with a woman who judges you for a natural thing? Next there is the idea that you as the client have seen x# of Escorts etc. My new question is this... If you met a girl, fell in love, but she worked or had worked .... would you date her?

[Jenn_angel]

This was the point I wanted made clear. Now would you rather her be honest about the fact that she had done it if you were not a "hobbiest", or sugar coat it?

[Jenn_angel]

I believe it is a hypothetical question. Not actualy fact as of yet....
Are you attached Cindy?

[Willywants]

I think this is a moot question insofar as it may never arise!
However, if it did, I don't think minute details are required!
Is she or is she not a virgin? If she is, then a very delicate approach needs to be taken! If she's not, it will soon become evident! Is it necessary to know who took her virginity?
Suffice it that where the man is concerned, is he or is he not an experienced lover? Where the experience was gained should be of no consequence, just appreciated!
We are who we are, each for our own life's experience! Why not just accept each other for who we are?

Willywants (to chase virgins thru the maze at Knossos!)

[Jenn_angel]

Bacause dear Willy you and I are years ahead of our time in certian aspects I think. I personally put sooo much into the concept of honesty that it becomes someting sacred to me. I would feel too much guilt if I was not honest and if the other person was not able to handle it... That is a choice the make for them self.

Kisses Willy

[Jenn_angel]

You never know.... maybe she is "greedy" like me. ;)

[WhaWhaWha]

Originally posted by Cindy
...I don't think I could be an SP and be attached at the same time... ...if I was in a relationship and my partner ... knew I would ... feel terrible going home to him every night.
I can understand why you feel that way. But don't deprive yourself of romance just because of your profession.

I know if I were openly aware of my partner being an SP, as long as she came home to me and there was enough consistency and reliability in our relationship I think I would do my utmost to reassure her, when needed, that I love and appreciate her and am respectful of her choice.

Cheers
Wha

[Jenn_angel]

I also am single but find that if the really want me for... me....

They accept that part of my life...

[sara@select]

Dr. Love,

In any serious relationship a point of conversation will be sexual history. I can understand your need to be open and I truly respect that immensely. That being said, some things need not be exposed. Truly ask yourself what purpose divulging such info would serve??? I believe it important to be honest in terms of sexual health but details (professional or non) are completely unnecessary.
For example.......a friend of mine (really a friend I swear) has met a wonderful man that she intends to spend the rest of her life with. She has never had a one night stand and as a matter of fact has had very few partners. Her partner, on the other hand, is very experienced and has had many sexual exploits. The only details she wanted to know were if he'd been safe and if he's been tested. His loyalty is not an issue. Since he has "grown up" and decided to settle down she in fact feels confident because he has "been there and done that" or "sown his wild oats" if you will.
So, while I think honesty about your past exploits are important the exact details of who, where, when and what it felt like serve no purpose and could only add some fear and doubt to your new partners' mind. The most important thing is your loyalty and integrity to the new relationship in question.

Sara x :)

[Hymie]

You can't be that stupid - can you? If you are honestly considering telling a new girlfriend that you have slept with an escort prepare to be perpetually single.

[Jenn_angel]

That is not always true.......

My friends and a lot of people I know would have found that quite acceptable. It is a part of life.

[Willywants]

Sara, this is for you!
As the intelligent, behind the scene lady you are, perhaps you can help me with my musings!
Would your friend not feel a bit intimidated by the level of experience her new found love has? To sow the bushel or so of wild oats it seems he has, he would have had to experience great variety in the doing! To now commit to a monogomous relationship is all well and good, given he can control his libido.
No doubt he will bring great expertise to the bed, and your friend should thoroughly enjoy that aspect. But how long will she be able to sate his libido and perhaps ultimate need for more variety??
Would the same not hold true of an SP who has tasted variety and now becomes involved in a single relationship??
Just asking a wise young lady her opinion!

I know the givens! That a solid lasting relationship is built on mutual trust, respect, love, loyalty and integrity!

Willywants (to satisfy his curiousity!)

[sara@select]

Willy- great questions you posed.......as a matter of fact "yes" she was a bit intimidated by his wanderlust...;) lol- we had a girls' conversation about this subject last night after a function we attended.
I told her what I will now tell you- call me an optimist but I believe if ones' needs can be met emotionally, intellectually, as well as sexually people can remain faithful and have a "sexy" loving, lustful relationship! Not an easy thing! Problem is, it takes an immense amount of work! Very few people are willing to put in that kind of effort day in and day out. The rewards from such a relationship can be tremendous!!! I know very few couples that have these types of relationships but those that do......WOW!
My thoughts........

Sara x

[james t kirk]

Very interesting thread.

If i might quote a personal hero of mine on this issue. A man who has truly learned his lesson on the risks of the hobby (women in general that is). A man who has suffered for his right to love pussy. A man who is smart enough to know when not to tell the truth because, no good will come of it. A man who got BURNED at the stake, live on TV. Who faced the almighty holier than thou inquistion.

In the words of the Bill Clinton....

DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL

That's right folks, don't ask, don't tell.

No good will EVER come to fessing up to being a lover of women to another woman.

This is truly one of those situations where telling the truth will get you into more grief than it is possibly worth.

No offense to the ladies out there who work in the profession. I admire and love you all. The problem is not how men react, it's how WOMEN react to the art.

I could give you a million examples, but why bother.

Every man on the planet over the age of 25 (before that you are too c@#t struck to know) knows that women ANALYZE things to death.

She will make a mountain out of a mole hill every time.

It's just not worth it my friend.

Don't be stupid, please tell me you aren't that stupid.

[Willywants]

Now Sara!
You started off your post with "WOW Willy"
and ended it with a "WOW" in reference to a near perfect relationship!
And to think, we have only met but once!! LoL!!
Also, how did you know I had a mouthful when I posted?
In fact I was dunking my chocolate chip cookies in milk at the time!

And so the world wide search continues for the "WOW" !
Thanks for your response Sara! I am in total agreement with the intelligence factor! Two intelligent, caring individuals who respect each other should be able to overcome the "nasties" if and when they arise!
"WOW" would ,of course, be eminently better!

Willywants (to sit and chat one day!)

[drlove]

Wow... talk about a blast from the past! I had forgotten all about this thread.

[drlove]

When I was dating my Ex, I did in fact tell her I saw escorts; it didn't faze her in the least. Of course, I only mentioned it after she divulged how many partners she had been with (a substantial number).

These days, while I would be completely honest about my medical history/health, I would simply say that I played the field in the past and leave it at that. As so many of you have said, details are completely unecessary.

[Flower]

So, I'm asking for your opinions, ladies: Assume for a moment that you are single, and have never worked in the business. You meet someone that you are very attracted to. Then, when the topic of past sexual history comes up, he is completely upfront with you and says that he saw escorts while single, but would not do so when involved in a monagamous relationship. What would your reaction be???

We are all in some respect .. a victim of our past. Our past experiences affect our present on many levels. That being said, I don't have to assume that I am single or have never worked in the business .. My answer is thus .. Real love means total acceptance .. We can't change our past but can come to terms with it.

I'd like to think that I live in the present with an eye to the future and a glimpse every now and again into the past. I don't judge people, nor do I hold them at fault for their behaviour (for lack of a better word) before they met or were involved with me. Each relationship is different, a woman would be a fool to turn away a man that she felt was special, because of his past sexual behaviour.

I guess that it would also depend on when he told her. If it was early on in the relationship .. she would have a chance to weigh things out, do some soul searching and come to an "honest" answer as to whether she wanted to continue the relationship and if she could "handle" this type of behaviour.

If the man waits to tell her, she may feel hurt that he didn't trust her or her feelings for him, in this circumstance, she may not be able to "get over his past behaviour" ..

Every relationship is different, there are no pat answers .. Perhaps a woman isn't entitled to this knowledge, but she would be very hurt if it came out at a later date and that too could ruin what could be something special.

Naturally, at some point trust comes into play, but it does in every relationship including friendships.

*Each person has to live life on their own terms and take responsibility for their own actions. :cool:

End of ramble ....I hope that some of this made sense ..

[Esco!]

Very interesting thread.

If i might quote a personal hero of mine on this issue. A man who has truly learned his lesson on the risks of the hobby (women in general that is). A man who has suffered for his right to love pussy. A man who is smart enough to know when not to tell the truth because, no good will come of it. A man who got BURNED at the stake, live on TV. Who faced the almighty holier than thou inquistion.

In the words of the Bill Clinton....

DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL

That's right folks, don't ask, don't tell.

No good will EVER come to fessing up to being a lover of women to another woman.

This is truly one of those situations where telling the truth will get you into more grief than it is possibly worth.

No offense to the ladies out there who work in the profession. I admire and love you all. The problem is not how men react, it's how WOMEN react to the art.

I could give you a million examples, but why bother.

Every man on the planet over the age of 25 (before that you are too c@#t struck to know) knows that women ANALYZE things to death.

She will make a mountain out of a mole hill every time.

It's just not worth it my friend.

Don't be stupid, please tell me you aren't that stupid.
Excellent point Kirk!!
I say dont even tell your best friends because they will intentionally or by accident let it slip sometime and from thereon its all downhill.
Besides its noone elses business anyways and its not like they dont have any skeletons in their fricking closet(s)

[Annessa]

Hi Love,


I'm going to tell you IMHO what I feel and think you should do because I have experienced this question you are posting. If you are dating someone and you feel that this women 'could be the one' then tell them. Lies and secrets for some reason always manage to find the surface. Better to tell the lady before your heart gets too involved because if she is a modern women (like myself) who thinks 'what you have done in your past when I never even knew you is your past so who am I to judge, but what you do from this moment on with me is what matters'

Nothing worse then falling head over heels in love with someone and then telling them (or them some-how finding out) and they are not able to deal with it and they walk out of your life forever. That pain is more intense then someone you have been dating for a month or so saying I can't deal with that and walking out of your life.

A person that truly cares and loves you will see you for what you are in the inside. Your heart, soul and who you are now is what matters and not what you have done in the past. Who doesn't have a past?

I'll say it once and I'll say it again, lies and secrets always manage to find a way to surface. That's why I don't lie and my cards are always ready to be put on the table when they are called upon.

Whatever you decide to do I wish you all the best, happiness and love. *hugs*




Annessa
xoxo

[drlove]

Thanks!

[pillowtalk]

Okay, I discovered the hard way that my current boyfriend had been seeing SP's. At first, I felt terrible and very insecure. You can imagine how a woman would imagine that she may be compared to the expertise of some of these woman. I suggest that you may bring it up when you feel that this is a longer term relationship and that you reassure her that she is the "best", trust me you are guaranteed a lifetime of great sex. I came around to the idea when I realized that booking an escort was certainly no worst than breaking a girls heart through a one night stand. Since then, upon my suggestion, we did book an escort, I guess my curiosity was peaked and what I imagined was certainly different than the reality.

Plus, at first, you should reassure her that you will go for a screening with a doctor and would expect the same of her and that should be the honesty in the beginning.

Just my two cents. I would be happy to correspond if you have any further questions from a non escort or a girlfriend of a hobbyist

Just PM me

[bkspoiler11]

Ok some people might want to smack me over the head with my advice but I'm going to say it anyways. Plan and simple. You don't tell your gf that you had seen sp's in the past. Hell no!!!! All you talk about is maybe both of you getting checked out for peace of mind. If it does ever come up that she finds out about it, this is what you do. LIE!!! Thats right I said it you LIE!!! One thing I learned in life is honestly is not always the best policy. And no offense ladies I been in situations in relationships where i told the truth. Not about seeing sp's are you guys nuts? LOL.... However, I have told the truth about other issues where they got mad. It's funny in my last relationship when this happened I patched things up by saying I was only joking around and I lied my fucking ass off. So as far as the truth coming out you make sure that the truth doesn't come out. Write secret codes down, or store the info in your cell phone or whatever. Nothing with paper so they can't find the evidence. Honestly is important but I'll never ever tell the whole truth if it will get me into an agrument with a woman over meaningless past issues.

[KBurrell]

I am a female who is not an SP. However, I can understand why a man would go to see an SP, wheather he is married, single, etc. Men need nookie too after all. Now if I was in a relationship with a man, not just dating, but taking it further, I would want to be told if he had seen escorts. Not to cause any negative feelings, or anything like that, but to me, knowing my partner's sexual history would be important.

After all, why should I believe that my partner has never had sex before, or been sexually frustrated? I know that this may be an unusual mindset, but why would I care? Granted, I would tease him about paying for sex, then I'd call him a lucky bastard for being able to pick and afford a different partner whenever he wanted it.

Of course, then I would ask if he had been tested for STDs recently, nothing against SPs or Hobbyists, but I insist on both myself and my partner being tested, just in case. Far better to be safe than to be sorry IMO. But as for him seeing the escorts, as long as we were not together at the time, what would the big deal be? He needed company, he wanted to have sex, he got the company, and he got sex. What's wrong with that?

Now if we were in a relationship, and then he decided to see escorts, that's a different thing entirely. :p

[lustyhombre]

Il Ventilatore thinks that obsession with a lover's past is an unhealthy sign of things to come. What matters is your time together, not your past with others.

This is not an issue of honesty (or dishonesty). The lady in question has not asked the gentlemen if he has ever used the services of a pro - he just wants to tell her. Had she inquired about such activities, or if the gentleman intended to continue with his hobbying, the situation would be different. This is not, however, the scenario under debate.

Much like those who confess affairs to their spouses years after the fact, such an admission is actually a selfish act. For whatever reasons, the gentleman in question holds some guilt about or issues regarding his past. Confessing to the love of his life could be an attempt to transfer some of that guilt, i.e. "get it off his chest". A cynic might even argue that the gentleman in question is giving himself an easy out should he return to hobbying at some future point ("After all, I did tell you that I had used escorts in the past.")

Il Ventilatore apologizes if the above paragraph seems overly harsh. One must wonder, however, as to what possible benefit there is in "confessing" to the lady at this point in time. Assuming that she is "escort-friendly" (which many people are not) and does not judge him harshly, how will their relationship be enhanced?

Food for thought...

Ciao,

Il Ventilatore

....and AMEN to that !

[zog]

My new question is this... If you met a girl, fell in love, but she worked or had worked .... would you date her?My answer to the new question is that the key, for me, is the answer to the question "worked or had worked". As a hobbyist myself, I don't have any moral or ethical issues with women who choose to work as SPs. However, I am not interested in being in a serious relationship with a woman who is still active in this profession. Some of you may view this as hypocritical or a double-standard but I don't see it that way at all. After all, I see nothing wrong with men who participate in the Hobby either (being one myself, after all) but I do not Hobby when I'm in a committed relationship and I expect my partner to do the same.

Regarding the original question, I think that I might admit my Hobbying past to a serious girlfriend if I felt that the relationship was worth the risk and also depending on what I know about the woman's personalily and why the question was being asked. If the topic came up in the context of past experiences, simply admitting to having had casual partners in the past may honestly address the topic without the need to go into detail.

If I really cared for the woman and I felt she could handle the truth, I would be open about my past. If, for some reason, it was really crucial to our relationship that this information come out, I would have to seriously consider it. However, I don't see the value in revealing the intimate details of past sexual experiences; after all, we alll - or most - have them.

Assuming everyone is a consenting adult, I see no moral or ethical difference between seeing an SP and having a casual sexual fling with a woman met through some other process. When I am single, I enjoy casual sex with SPs and also enjoy casual relationships with non-professional women. I think it would be wrong for me to tell a girlfriend that I have not had casual sex while single (because that would be a lie) but I would suggest that 99.9% of the time, there would be no reason to go into details about what my past casual partners did for a living.

Zog.

[Hugger]

I'd rather be hated for who I am......over loved, for who I am not. I would want my mate to have similar views on sexuality, thus would be honest. I woman who was turned off by my sexual past is turned off by part me.
H