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steph@Hollywood
02-08-2002, 03:12 PM
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired president John Walter after 9 months, saying he lacked
intellectual
leadership. He received a $26 Million severance package. Perhaps it's not
Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS

Police in Oakland, California spent 2 hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who
barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers
discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line,
shouting
"Please come out and give yourself up!"

3.WHAT WAS PLAN "B" ???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced
him
to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4.THE GETAWAY

A man walked in a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in
the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.

5.DID I SAY THAT??

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't
control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the
line-up
to repeat the words "Give me all your money or I'll shoot" the man shouted
"That's not what I said!"

6.ARE WE COMMUNICATING

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child" the
doctor asked.
"No!!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7.NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun, but, unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his
pocket.

8.THE GRAND FINALE

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east
of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem. No
matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot going.
It was
very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was
applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina,
thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside
check revealed everything was in perfect working condition. The engine ran
fine, the
outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one
of the
Marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on
water
he laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER....THIS IS TRUE....Under the boat, still
strapped securely in place, was the trailer!!!!

Any others?

Cheers,

Steph

k57
02-08-2002, 04:39 PM
True story told to me by a friend.

He walks into his neighborhood variety store where the shaken owner/clerk says a guy just came in and held him up but was pissed off there wasn't much cash in the till. The clerk told him he just opened. So the thief said he'd be back that evening about 9. "What should I do?" asks the clerk. Well my friend suggests calling the police might be a good idea.
So the bandit appears as promised at 9 that evening, to be greeted by the police hiding in the store.
Not a good idea to make an appointment to hold somebody up!

breadman
02-08-2002, 04:55 PM
In the news today: Seems the owners of a certain billboard enjoy posting some very questionable signs. But none before had the comparison of Martin Luther King with Bin Laden. Seems one person took greater offence than others.

In another local story: Firefighters had to respond to a burning billboard....

True story.

btdt
02-08-2002, 05:38 PM
Two hunters from Michigan--(true story)

This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly
payments.

He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are
frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some
kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.
In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck
would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.

Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to
place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator),because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog?

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.

The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new avigator. ----BOOM!----
Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a
very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened"look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!

And you thought your day was not going well?

steph@Hollywood
02-08-2002, 05:58 PM
Btdt, that was hillarious. Ok, I've got one more..
(this is an acctual article, I found; Ann Landers or something)

This man is looking through the want ads for a car, and comes across an ad that says Porcshe $50.00. Thinking there must be a mistake, he calls the number and a woman answers. The man says I think there is a misprint in the ad in the paper. She replies with what does it say? He reads the ad for her and she says, no, thats correct. Hmmm, he thinks, well whats wrong with it he asks? Nothing she replies, would you like to come see it?
Of course the man jumps at the chance and rushes over. The lady walks with him to the garage and when he see's the car is flabbergasted. The car looks like it's been rubbed with a diaper. May I take a test drive he asks? Of course she replies. The car purrs like a kitten. Bottom line theres nothing wrong with it, it's perfect. So, as he is somewhat sheepishly pulling the money out of his wallet, he asks the inevitable question, Why, I have to know, are you selling such a mint car for $50.00?
Well she replies, I wen't to suprise my husband for lunch a few weeks ago and caught him on the couch in his office with another woman. He told me to sell his car and the house and to give him the money......

Steph:p

Sir Lancelot
02-10-2002, 02:27 PM
Check out the book Jay Leno's Police Blotter: Real-Life Crime Headlines from 'The Tonight Show With Jay Leno' (here's itsAmazon.com page (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0836217519/qid=1013375880/sr=1-10/ref=sr_1_10/103-9919706-2471867) and its Barnes & Nobles page (http://shop.barnesandnoble.com/bookSearch/isbnInquiry.asp?userid=5G7TBV4QUB&mscssid=2P4JX0KFV53G8NCP088ERV9W8S7EDX49&isbn=0836217519) )

You'll laugh your ass off reading this book...

Average Joe
02-10-2002, 07:54 PM
I witnessed this one myself. When I took my first computer course there weren't floppy drives in every computer but there was a 5 1/4 " floppy drive that was shared by all the computers connected to it. When you wanted to save your work you announced to everyone that you were using the floppy drive and no one else used it.

Well, late one day late when we were all finishing up the latest assignment someone announced that they were saving their work. I watched as that person saved their work, took the floppy disk out of the drive, folded it up and stuck it in their shirt pocket. They failed the assignment.

BiggieE
12-20-2005, 08:50 AM
The one about the boat with the trailer still strapped to it was in a boat magazine back in the late 80's.....Still funny 20 years later......hehe:D

bobistheowl
12-20-2005, 09:52 AM
While playing for the Portland Trail Blazers, ex-Raptor Damon Stoudamire was arrested at the airport for possession of an ounce of weed. It was wrapped in tin foil in his luggage, and it set off the metal detector.